Last updated on December 12, 2022
I wasn’t used to seeing smoke come from the kitchen. Ellen didn’t burn food and no one has overdone popcorn in the microwave since the kids moved out. I was breathing heavy by the time I got there from the garage, extinguisher in hand. What was actually in the kitchen was far more unexpected.
It was Satan. Actual hooved, horned, Satan. Flames at his feet, smelling of Brimstone. As in, from Hell.
And I don’t mean Ohio.
Ellen was there, too, though and she didn’t look surprised at all.
“Back to get beat again, huh?” She said, blowing a strand of hair out of her face, hands on her hips, wearing a flour spattered apron.
“Oh, confident are you! Well, the Lord of Darkness will show you your folly mortal!”
“I told you once, I’m telling you again, and I’ll tell you a hundred gosh darn times if I have to… I’m the best, no doubt about it and I’ve got the blue ribbons to prove it. You’re never going to beat me, Lucy. Not today or any other, okay?”
“No. Not okay. Not at all. Stand aside, spawn of Eve!”
My wife, my sweet wife who plays bingo on Thursdays and who stops after half a glass of wine to avoid getting “all crazy”, stepped aside gave The Prince of Darkness room to use our stand mixer.
That’s when she saw me.
“Oh, Stan, I’m sorry. I really wasn’t expecting this today.”
“You expect it other days?”
“I guess ‘expect’ isn’t exactly right, but this isn’t his first visit. You’re usually at the office.”
“Wait, how many times has Satan appeared in our kitchen… and used all our eggs?”
As I talked to her, he was cracking a fourth one into the bowl.
“It’s just this little thing we have going on. I swear he’s more jealous of my baking than Grace down at St. Catherines.”
“Satan is jealous of your cookies?”
“Oh, you betcha. Has been since I was in college.”
“When did you meet Satan in college?”
“Blind date. My roomie set me up. But nevermind dear, that was months before I met you. Now let me handle this. He’s really a sore loser. Take a seat over there.”
Slack jawed, I did as she asked and got into the chair we keep in the corner so that she has something to sit on when she peels potatoes in here. I put the extinguisher in my lap and just held on because I didn’t know where this ride was going.
Little puffs of smoke appeared in the palms of the Dark One as he summoned ingredients, little vials and jars to be dumped into the mixer. One little black bottle he snickered at when he put three drops into the mix. He then used one of our ice cream scoops to portion out the dough onto a cookie sheet. He didn’t bother with the oven, just passed his hand over them and they all baked.
He blew on them and they seemed to set.
“Ha, top that Ellen! Cowboy Cookies, with three thousand year old honey, vanilla extract crafted in the abyss by my own hand, and baked with hellfire! Have one!”
Ellen raised an eyebrow and went over, picked up a cookie, and took a dainty bite. Her eyes got big and her brows went halfway up her forehead. She looked at the cookie with surprise, nodding in admiration.
“Oh, Lucy, you outdid yerself there, kiddo. But I think you should quit now.”
“Oh, why? Got some Lebkuchen in the pantry? Some of those peanut butter blossoms? Bring your finest, apple biter! I’ll stand these up against the very best you’ve got.”
“Okie dokie.”
She went to the kitchen table. I knew she was making cookies for the school bake sale today, but I didn’t know what kind. When she pulled off the lid, I got scared down to my socks.
Satan laughed.
“Sugar cookies! You actually are countering the finest snacks in Hell or Heaven with sugar cookies?!”
“My mom’s own secret recipe. Have one.”
Satan snatched up one like she said and took a great big bite, half the cookie disappearing into his fanged filled mouth. I watched him chew. Then chew again. Then stop. Then chew some more. Then I saw a tear in his eye.
The Lord of Hell fell on our linoleum tile and started pounding his fists and crying like a toddler, “Sublime! So, sublime! And balanced! This is what sugar cookies should be! Jesu…. no, not going there.”
He apparently snapped himself back into focus because he got up and said to her, “I admit it… you win again! But don’t think I won’t be cooking up something to spell your damnation!”
“I see what you did there with the little pun. It’s okay, Lucy. You take care.”
Satan snorted. The floor cracked. I heard screams like I could never adequately describe and the light of a thousand soul-fueled bonfires lit him from underneath as he sank into back down to the Inferno. He raised his arm when his head disappeared out of sight and made a rude gesture at Ellen. She shook her head as the crack sealed back up.
“Told ya he was a sore loser. Well now, that put a crimp in the day. I don’t think I’ll have time to take a shower before we go.”
“Ellen… I have quest-“
She swooped up to me and put a finger on my lips. She had the most wicked gleam in her eye, the one that made me marry her twenty years ago.
She just said, “Shhhh. Just let it go, Stan. A girl’s got to keep some of her secrets.”
There are certain elements of story and plot and genre that are very common in Reddit writing prompts. One is the fact that Satan shows up in the prompt a whole lot. – M.J.S.
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