One thing that should have tipped me off to the fact I have ADHD was that there are really only two times in my head: Now and Not Now. This doesn’t mean I have no memories; there are some moments that stick and stand out. It’s just if I had to put them in a row, it would be an effort and probably involve a lot of mistakes.
One such moment was when I got my titanium spork.
As silly as this sounds, it is one of the best purchases I have ever made. It’s light, useful, goes everywhere with me that I carry my bag. Until I got a reminder from FaceBook, though, I had no idea that I’d had it since a few days before my 40th birthday, a solid decade ago.
I have even less memory of what I was doing then. I was working the same job I am now, but I wasn’t certified. I was with Shondra, two years married and 12 years together. I wasn’t published yet. I was looking for my first house. I was unsure about so much.
I wish I could say what lessons I’ve learned in the past 10 years. It’s not that I haven’t had any; I’ve had scads. It’s that they are all in the Not Now. I already knew by that time that you have to hold people close because you don’t know how much time you’ll get with them. I knew that you never stop learning, there’s always more to know, to understand a little deeper, and it’s going to be weirder and more bizarre and more mystifying than you can imagine. I already knew I had to take better care of myself if I wanted to be around to find out what’s next. I already knew by that point that what’s important, truly important, are your people.
Maybe all I’ve had since then are those lessons pounded into me. I’ve made so many mistakes, come back from them, had days of crushing anxiety, days of happiness beyond description, grown closer to some and farther from others. Love and despair, outrage and satisfaction, certainty and the humbling understanding that I know nothing.
I do know I worried about my legacy. I’m less worried about that now. There’s too much to do still.
I have a library of stories in my skull and I need to get as many of those out as I can while people are still interested in listening. I still need to gain enough that I don’t worry so much and maybe enough to help friends and strangers. I have things I want to do, places I want to go, and a man I still want to be.
I told my friends on my birthday that this isn’t the best version of me yet. I owe a lot of people for helping me get this far. I hope that I can become the man that repays them, at least by demonstrating they were backing someone who didn’t squander it.
I am grateful, I am humbled, I am lucky, I am loved. I don’t always remember where I’ve been or know where I’m headed, but I’m not lost. And I’m still here; a half a century down, who knows how much more to go.
I got myself another titanium spork, this one adonized purple. It’ll probably be my at-home spork and the original my travel spork. These are tools meant to last and I hope I put them and all the others I’ve gotten in the past ten years, as well as the whole of the past 50, to their best use.
Maybe at 60, I’ll get the green one.
Be First to Comment